Communicating Using Your Head:how the brain treats conversation.

When I want to communicate or need to communicate, particularly to a less than receptive audience, I will at the very least have to relay my message such that it will be fairly considered. A big part of this is crafting my message so it will be understood by the listener. For this I use familiar communication tools.

My list of effective communication tools begins with self-analysis. Self-analysis involves asking myself probing questions and answering them honestly: What is my motive? Do I really have to say this? What is my outcome expectation? Am I being realistic, thoughtful, respectful? Why am I so emotional about this? Could I possibly be wrong? I am in fact questioning my beliefs; questioning my reality. Next I consider if the timing is right; not just convenient for me, but equally for my audience. Thirdly, what are the best words to use to get my message across clearly? I want to avoid the rhetorical, demeaning and accusatory. Next, what tone of voice will be most efficient? Fifthly, what facial expression will best ensure the message is received? Lastly, what body language (posture) will be congruent with my message and my objective?

When communicating, any degree of resistance I encounter tells me I am up against a natural defense mechanism. That is, beliefs the listener naturally has concerning his or her personal safety and security - not just with regard to physical safety and security. Rather more often with regard to safety and security of the self. Specifically, this has to do with things like feeling valued, esteemed, respected, cherished and so forth.

Safety and security beliefs are common to all of us and reside in the information circuitry of the brain. Think of the frontal cortex as a library that stores your history and your reality. Information, constantly travels through the brain via numerous neural circuits. Like information rivers and tributaries, these neural pathways connect all of the sensory input with various glands and brain regions. The result is a complex neural narrative that involves memories tied to emotions. All of this information, new and old, passes through the library, where it is constantly fact-checked against the believed reality; and either affirmed, synthesized or rejected. This is your mental defense mechanism.

When I have a discussion or an argument with another person, I am trying to get through their defense mechanism, and they are trying to get through mine. This getting through the defense mechanism is essential to a mutual understanding.

Now then, I think of communication in terms of coding and decoding. In communicating - using the tools I mentioned - I am attempting two things: I am trying to code my message in such a way that it cannot be misunderstood. And, I am trying to decode the other’s message in a way that it has not been misunderstood. That is fundamental. Of course I cannot control how the other person interprets my words. Nor can I be absolutely sure I’ve understood the other persons message to me. But I must do my very best at both until the conversation has a desired outcome.

Ultimately, I and my listener are trying to comprehend and appeal to one another’s believed realities. In other words, any productive discussion ending amicably or in agreement will require a degree of vulnerability. So we have to deal with defense mechanisms. To succeed we must engage in a way that solicits positive emotions, or that can be associated with positive emotions. People are much less likely to consider different viewpoints if the delivery of those viewpoints associates with negative emotions. Positive emotions will accompany an open mind.

Emotions exist in the limbic system largely as responses to input from our sensory neural pathways. That being true, soliciting positive emotions in communication must be done through the senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, touch. There are no other direct doorways through which to engage the reality of another person.

So think of how these senses can be utilized in conversation. Think of the communication tools: timing, words, tone of voice, facial expression, body language. Some of these clearly solicit the emotions through visual and auditory neural paths. For example, words and tone of voice solicit emotions through the auditory pathways. Facial expression and body language solicit emotions through the visual pathways.

What about the olfactory pathway? Not quite as useful perhaps. Still, if you have ever conversed with someone who had a bad case of halitosis (bad breath), it was certainly not one of your favorite conversations, nor were you likely persuaded to acquiesce to the other’s viewpoint. Better would be the memory of a conversation had in a rose garden, by the seashore, or at a favorite restaurant, with pleasing fragrances and aromas.

Speaking of restaurants, the sense of taste can be an ally in conversation. Some of the most productive conversations, or even arguments, take place over a delicious meal, or a good cup of coffee.

Finally, what about the somatosensory pathways, having to do with kinetic touch? You probably want to be careful with this one, because touching can seem manipulative. But a timely, gentle touch, given respectfully, say from a loving spouse, can obviate a defensive standoff and promote a warmhearted exchange.

Knowledge of how all this works together can be beneficial whether you are speaking or listening. This is a more in depth look at how the purposeful use of good communication tools along with good utility of normal brain functions can help us be much more effective communicators.

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